Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - August 2005

01/08/05  ||  Global Domination

Nevermore: The godless endeavor

6.7 /10

Lord K: I always loved Sanctuary to the fullest. Nevermore never(more) got to that level with me and it’s going to stay that way with this album. Even though the disc is all fine, it’s nothing close to Sanctuary. “Battle Angels” rule. Nevermore doesn’t have a song like that. 7

Syrrok: I absolutely LOVE some of the riffs on this bitch. It’s too bad Kip Winger makes yet another appearance in the vocal category. There used to be this thing you could hook up to your stereo that would cut out the vocals on a tune. I gotta find that. The others in the band has to know the singing has got to go, right? I mean, what the fuck? 5

Farlus: I really wanted this band to suck balls because Desert Eagle likes them and I wanted to make fun of him for liking them. I even laughed half-heartedly at the vocals when I heard them. Then I realized they’re alot like the vocals of other bands I dig. And I couldn’t stop banging my head. Damn you, Desert Eagle. This band rules. I need to check out their back catalog. 8

Desert Eagle: Ten bucks says that K says something like, “Sanctuary is better.” Fuck that. This is top-notch material right here. If you don’t know what Nevermore is about you better find out real quick, soldier. Nevermore is back. 9

The Abyss: Fuck I don’t know man, those vocals are pretty horrible. People I know have been raving about Nevermore for some time now but I just can’t seem to see what’s so special about them. Sure, the playing is flawless, but I’m just not feeling the songs. My left side of the brain says I should dig the fuck out of this but my right side (and my nuts) have even forgotten the name of the damn album. 4

Derek: I’m not sufficiently old school—or just plain OLD—to appreciate Sanctuary, the precursor to Nevermore. I’ve enjoyed some of Nevermore’s work; “Dreaming Neon Black” was excellent. Still, more often than not, this band leaves me bored. The production on the band’s previous album, “Dead Heart in a Dead World” was so horrible, I bet Bob Rock called up Kelly Gray and said “dude, your album sounds like shit, if that snare was any worse Lars would be suing your ass”. (I haven’t heard the Andy Sneap remix of the album. I don’t care enough to look into it.) That said, this album is the best Nevermore has done. I managed to get all the way through the record, twice, and didn’t want to shank Warrel Dane. Extra points for getting James Murphy to appear on the album. 7

Arch Enemy: Doomsday machine

6.7 /10

Lord K: You know quality is coming yer way when we’re talking Arch Enemy. If you dig them or not is a different issue. With me they have their moments. Angela is finally sounding really good, which is about fucken time. The Slayer-flirt in the intro of “Mechanic god creation” is cool. So is the Sepultura drum-theft starting off “Machkampf”. I dig this more than I ever thought I would. Definitely AE’s best album this far. 8

Syrrok: Chick growlers suck, bottom line. The production and tone is there, but when the vocals kick in you just wanna pack it in and shove your head in a toilet bowl. This isn’t a concert, I can’t see her tits, so… 3

Farlus: I haven’t really paid much attention to this band since “Wages of Sin” came out. I listened to it, I remember not liking it, and that was that. This album, I like. It’s not incredible, and I can’t really say how it compares to Johan-era AE (because I’ve never heard it), but I still dig it. Any band that can find a chick as hot as Angela that can growl like she can deserves some credit. Just a little more effort from the backing music and they’d be even better. I didn’t realize they even did melodic material but they whip it out often here. It’s definitely worth a listen. 7

Desert Eagle: I could stand Angela’s voice for one album and that one album was “Wages of Sin”. It’s just annoying thinking how much better Arch Enemy would be if they didn’t kick Johan out. Oh well, at least she’s hot. 7

The Abyss: A solid release from the swedes, making it easier for me to ignore the lackluster effort that was “Anthems of rebellion”. Angela seems fully at ease in her position as vocalist now and the brothers Amott are as sharp as ever. Very good shit! 7

Derek: Despite all the praise heaped upon Arch Enemy, and the Amott brothers, I’ve never really given two shits for any of their music. Sure, they’re really skilled; boring people to death is something I would consider a skill. Ever since they ditched Johan Liiva, I have been reading tons of hate towards Angela Gossow (the gasp chick who replaced him). Aside from the fact that she is clearly abusing her access to distortion technology for her vocals, this bitch sounds fucking evil. (Cupped mic and all.) With a set of pipes like that, I bet she hums a mean cock. That’s right, I’m demeaning her as a professional woman in the music industry. I also insinuate that a lot of male musicians are homosexuals; so all you feminists can get over it, take off your shoes and bake me a fuckin’—pie if you’ve already folded my laundry. This is good shit; the best they’ve done in my books. 8

The Black Dahlia Murder: Miasma

6 /10

Lord K: Oh my… THAT’S how you kind of blow me away. Intense, insane and most of all; fucken catcy and brutal. Having a title like “I’m charming” while playing this music kills me. And I love being dead. The best album in this edition. 8

Syrrok: Ass riffs on top of hardcore singing. Throw in some “punk-beat drums” and you got an album that isn’t unlike the other albums in this AA. Shitstorm of the century. 2

Farlus: These guys have the ability to write some massive, heavy, dark music. I’m really amazed at some of the stuff they have on this CD considering their live show was utter shit. I was under the impression that this band was metalcore from their name and appearance but they’re really far from it. While sometimes repetitive, I like most of this CD. 7

Desert Eagle: This guy’s voice is like one of those tiny dogs going YIP YIP YIP all the time. How annoying is that shit man? Throw some good riffs in and you got something that could have been good if it wasn’t totally ruined by the little dog. 5

The Abyss: I don’t know who Black Dahlia is but it’s a good thing he/she is dead because it makes for a pretty good bandname. Much to my surprise, the music isn’t halfbad either. It’s the (now infamous) melodic death schtick with some (very sparingly) hints of black metal venom. Out of the two yanks trying to copy the Gothenburg sound in this edition of AA it’s no doubt that the crown goes to The Black Dahlia Murder, further exemplifying just how much work As I Lay Dying need to put in to become even somewhat decent. 5

Derek: This was probably the biggest surprise of this edition of Audio Autopsy. I enjoyed “Unhallowed”, the band’s previous effort, but thought it lacked anything substantial to differentiate it from other bands in their genre. With this record, they’ve laid down some bloody footprints and blazed their own path through metalcore. Sick-ass riffs, insane drumming, mild hints of melody, and vocals that bring to mind Seth Putnam mixed with decipherability. These are some truly heinous lyrics; I fuckin’ love ‘em. It’s like leper porn; it’s nasty, gross, and yet you can’t look away—hoping to watch a cock break off in someone’s ass. This is the audio equivalent of a dead hooker, covered in syphillitic semen, swarming with horse flies and hungry homeless people; an icon of brutality and sickness. I fuckin’ love it. 9

MindGrinder: Riot detonator

5.2 /10

Lord K: Alot more death metal than expected since the “MindTech” album caught me a bit off-guard with the neat technobeats and whatnot. Some electronics are still here, but it’s more flat-out metal this time around. Definitely a step up, but still nothing I’d pull out my pubic-hair in joy for. 7

Syrrok: What an original fucken moniker guys. Oooh! My mind is totally grinded! Look out, these guys are on top of their game! And by “on top of their game,” I mean, they suck more than the suckers suck on cock. Garage/basement metal tunes for sure. 1

Farlus: While I was taking breaks between yawns I did hear a couple of cool sounding things, but then those pesky yawns returned. You won’t be missing much if you decide to pass this one up. Decent at best. 3

Desert Eagle: Mindgrinder is sort of like asking for a steak but getting a really sweet cheeseburger instead. I mean you definitely wanted a damn steak but, hey, this cheeseburger is actually really good. That’s not to say that Mindgrinder is REALLY good but you know, analogies can’t always be perfect. 7

The Abyss: If the idea of Discharge having sexual intercourse with your sister freaks you out, then imagine them fucking the entire Bay Area thrash scene! If that idea DOES appeal to you I have two things to say to you. Lend an ear to MindGrinder. And come out of the closet already. 5

Derek: I’ve been meaning to check this band out since Flack gave these guys a glowing review a year or two ago; if someone with extremely picky death metal tastes liked these guys, they had to be good. So good, in fact, that until having their latest album land in my lap—for this month’s AA—that I never bothered to listen to them. Shame on me, because these motherfuckers are seriously good at what they do. Like Devilyn, these guys aren’t earning any originality points for their music, but they make up for that by making the songs sound like more than a bunch of proficient musicians working their way through Standard Death Metal Riffs 101. This is an excellent soundtrack to things like savage beatings, pistol whipping your girlfriend, or asphyxiating a hooker who just snorted all your coke and told you she has 5 different venereal diseases. 8

Devilyn: 11

5 /10

Lord K: Everything death metal from Poland sounds the same to me nowadays. Not that I mind it too much since they obviously know how to do their shit. Nice Opeth-theft in “God eater”. Devilyn might have a shit-moniker, but their stuff is nothing close to faeces (Main Entry: fe·ces. Variant: or chiefly British fae·ces /’fE-(”)sEz/ Function: noun plural: bodily waste discharged through the anus). 7

Syrrok: Devilyn sounds so SPOOKY! Like a big house of terror and scary demons!!! Look out little Timmy, don’t go around the corner! Devilyn will lock you in a room and make you listen to their sub-par death grind bullshit! If Devilyn were a futbol team, they’d be the Manchester ‘cantmakegoodmetal’ Suckass. 1

Farlus: Death metal. Nothing more, nothing less. This band offers nothing groundbreaking, but they don’t necessarily do anything wrong. They remind me a bit of Suffocation, but don’t ask me why. Something I’d throw on randomly if I was in the mood for standard death metal. 5

Desert Eagle: Well the music is certainly interesting, but that doesn’t exactly mean anything. I mean, hell, someone playing the kazoo with their asshole would be interesting. I guess it’s pretty brutal too but, eh. 5

The Abyss: Ahh, the smell of Zubrowka in the morning… if this ins’t a Polish band I’m gonna eat my none-existant hat! Sounding like equal parts later-day Behemoth and old school Vader you just know this is good shit! 7

Derek: The name had me expecting some sort of chick-fronted goth band with overtly homosexual male musicians. It’s a good thing I don’t always listen to my initial thoughts on things, otherwise I might never have discovered Devilyn was actually a derrivative death metal band consisting of Polish dudes who may, or may not enjoy penetrating each other’s anuses with cocks, fists, and any other spare implements. Standard grindy riffs and click-click-click kick drums are what these guys are all about. It’s a good thing they probably don’t live and die by my approval of their album, otherwise I would thoroughly encourage them to eviscerate themselves with olive forks and pack their bleeding innards with salt. Boooooring. 5

Accursed Dawn: Manifest damnation (The creation affect)

5 /10

Lord K: With a very cheesy and generic war-intro they set the standard for the rest of the album. Actually, that’s not entirely true (but it’s more true than false) since AD’s got some cool shit going on here and there in their deathrash-world. It’s a shame the vocalist, the production and the pretty lame drummer destroys it completely. At The Gates inspired more bands than we will ever know. Not that it’s making AD any fucken good whatsoever. 3

Syrrok: Too bad they’re the first band to come up alphabetically. K’s on my ass to get this done and I’m out of beer. As if things weren’t bad enough I actually have to listen to this shit train. Generic, boring, uninspired tripe. 1

Farlus: This band didn’t really strike me as being anything special upon my first listen. I decided to give them another chance and I’m glad I did. I really like the raw production of the CD. It gives the band an extra intensity to their sound that makes it feel much heavier. I dig the intro clip taken from “Lord of the Rings”. It definitely sets the tone for the rest of the album. Solid effort. 7

Desert Eagle: What’s funny about this album is that it really grooves but it’s boring as hell. So just imagine me sleeping and kind of bobbing my head at the same time. I sleep naked. Oh, vocals are awful too. 4

The Abyss: An American band that borrows not only from black, melodic death, grind but also heavy metal; it’s not wonder I was abit baffled when I first heard Accursed Dawn’s debut album and after repeated listening I must, to my surprise, admit that the whole thing actually works pretty well. The heavy metal-aspects are largely limitied to the lead-work and that’s a good thing IMO. I think this band will make alot of noise in the coming decade. 7

Derek: Right out of the starting gate, I knew these guys had some black metal influences. My tip-off was their rather relaxed—if not fumbling—grasp on the English language. (The Creation EFFECT, you cockbags!) Musically this stuff’s OK, but it’s a fairly standard mixture of death and black metal. Clicking kick drums, minor melody (musician joke!), and garbled sound is basically what you’re in for with these guys. If you’re retarded, or indulge in too many recreational drugs to care that this is the same shit 1,000 other bands have recorded, then hurry the fuck up and buy this. Otherwise, just throw on something you already have and read the lyric book from another random album. 5

Soilent Green: Confrontation

4.7 /10

Lord K: First time I hear Soilent Green and honestly, it was better 2 hours ago. 3

Syrrok: This is alright stuff, but nothing that will cause the average file-sharer to close the porn links and look for the rest of the album. Plenty of gusto here, no good music! 3

Farlus: I’m curious to see how my hometown boys fare against the AA jury. This band is really a love or hate relationship. If you don’t like the thrash/blues/speed combination that they do so well, you’re not gonna like them. I personally dig the fuck out of them, especially after seeing them live so many times. They put on a great live show and I just dig the fuck out of their style. Ben’s vocals on this record are much more brutal that previous efforts. That man is a beast… He goes from nearly dying to coming back and putting forth this effort. I applaud him and the band. Another solid effort from Soilent. 8

Desert Eagle: I knew as soon as I heard one of my friends saying how great this band that they would suck. Guess who it was? It was either my friend Tony (never right) or me (always right). Still can’t figure it out? Maybe you should lick my steaming asshole then. 3

The Abyss: Dunno how to classify this band, some kind of hardcore/sludge mix? It’s mostly fast msuic with shouted vocals and alot of temposhifts with a very dirty, swampy sound. Interesting, but not purchase-worthy. I give ‘em A for effort though. 5

Derek: I love Soilent Green (part of a well-balanced breakfast), but this album sounds way too much like Pantera with sludiger, more down-tuned riffing. The vocals are sick as ever, and the tunes are well written, but I don’t get the same sense of enjoyment from this material as I do from “Sewn Mouth Secrets”, “Pussysoul”, and “A Deleted Symphony for the Beaten Down”. I like it, but it’s definitely my least favourite Soilent Green album. Check it out so you can be part of the “I’m cool because I listen to Nola metal” club; you can crank this album while you and Farlus rape metalcore fans with broken broom handles. 6

Darkane: Layer of lies

4.3 /10

Lord K: Another one of those Swedish well-played, well-produced, sing-along-choruses-bands that gives me nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Leave the Meshuggah-riffing to Meshuggah. They are the only ones who can handle it even if they can’t compose actual songs anymore. Darkane’s got better production than songs. 4

Syrrok: Oh Darkane, what do you have to give us other than sideprojects that sound better than your real band? This album makes me want to sit underneath the sink and poke myself in the thigh with a fork. Fuck. 2

Farlus: I was expecting something completely different than what I got from this album. Usually bands with “Dark” in the name are black metal… Dark Funeral, Darkthrone, Dark Night in the Grim Frostbitten Forest of the Northern Viking Lord’s Vacation House in Norway, etc. However, this ended up being sort of a thrash cacophony. It was kind of cool at first, but I ended up disliking the album more and more as it went on. These guys remind me of someone, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Ah well, regardless, I’m not a fan. 3

Desert Eagle: I’m sorry I haven’t checked this band out sooner because this is some awesome shit. Don’t really know what to call these guys but great screams and drums mixed with some melodic guitars equals awesome in my book. 8

The Abyss: I lost track of Darkane after “Insanity” and it seems that was a mistake. “Layer of lies” are frantic and aggressive as well as showing some hints of melody and clean vocals here and there without going overboard. Not enough quality songs though. 6

Derek: I think Soilwork’s “Stabbing the Drama” sort of explained the fact that this kind of melodic metal is getting really tiresome. Sure, this album is pretty heavy; it’s brutal in all the comittee-approved places, with the requisite amounts of “soulful” singing. Jesus cocksucking Christ-on-a-stick, this is so expected… It might as well be Soilwork, or any number of other Swedish bands playing this style. These guys can play very well; why the fuck don’t they try something remotely new? Every time that processed clean voice came on it put me to sleep. Burn. 3

As I Lay Dying: Shadows are security

3.8 /10

Lord K: I fucken hate copycats. If they don’t copy Alice DeeJay that is. Take any half-metal band with “catchy” (read “cheesy”) and “hard” (read “boring”) riffing, and you got this. At least TRY to make something of yer own. And while you’re at it, shoot yer vocalist. 3

Syrrok: The future of metal right here, right? Bullshit. This scream-o, Desert Eagle-frogshit is about all I can take. Since I’ve seen these guys a few times I can attest to the drummers talent, but outside of that you have nothing but kids who are boring. 2

Farlus: I wish I could use my standard “Fuck metalcore” line here, but I can’t. I like this album. I could do without the typical metalcore guitars and emo vocals, but when they just shed that skin and just play balls to the wall heavy music, I dig it. More stuff should be like this. 5

Desert Eagle: Does anyone really expect a high score from me on a metalcore album? Well, surprise surprise, I’m not giving it one. Hah! 3

The Abyss: So this is what the americans call melodic death? To say that this has been done better before is like saying that the bomb over Hiroshima was a somewhat loud bang. At least there’s some redeeming qualities, if not in the creativity-department but in the musicality, I think… No wait, it sucks. 3

Derek: Ever since Metal Blade signed As I Lay Dying and Black Dahlia Murder a few years ago, they’ve been whoring them out like a hooker trying to make her pimp’s bail money—fast ‘n furious. I can’t say I blame them; I happen to really enjoy As I Lay Dying. Sure, they’re definitely rooted in the ever-expanding yet somehow stagnating metalcore scene. Still, As I Lay Dying manage to write some truly savage songs that, surprisingly, don’t suck. Sure, you’ve heard a lot of this kind of stuff before. The same can be said about a lot of the so-called good music out there—these lads manage to pull it off. I like this release a lot better than “Frail Worlds Collapse”, as the production value isn’t quite as sterile. 7

Cancer: Spirits in flames

3.8 /10

Lord K: “You won’t see the sun. You won’t see no rain. Won’t see the moon. Or the snow again”. I’ll tell you what, you’ll never see me play this incredible piece if bullshit-plastic again. 2

Syrrok: What the fuck kind of band is this? I hear some thrash, some CoC, some Danzig type stuff, some Fireball Ministry. What a gaggle of crap! Drums sound pretty though. 3

Farlus: This has got to be the most repetitive, boring album ever. That comes as a big surprise to me because “To the Gory End” was a great album. I guess this is the band’s attempt to relive the glory days, but they don’t pull it off. It’s hard to do so after going 7 years without a release. When the band does manage to write a riff that’s cool and works, they drive it into the ground for the entire length of a song. You seriously get sick of each song about halfway through. What a disappointment. 2

Desert Eagle: I suppose this one might get high marks from all those “Remember the good ol’ days…” idiots, but not from this young cat. That’s right, I said it. Anyways, this shit is laughable at best. 3

The Abyss: Yet another reformed 80’s death metal band I’ve never heard about. UK’s Cancer have been gone since 1995 but still sound pretty lively ten years later. The guitars, the production, the vocals, it all sounds very death metal á la Sunlight/Morrisound. Groovy shit but I doubt they will gain alot of new fans in this day and age of metalcore. Shame really. 5

Derek: Until now, all I knew of this band was that they once had James Murphy playing guitar for them. Since I’ve never heard anyone rave about his work with them, I ignored the band entirely. All I can say is that if their earlier work is half as good as this album, why the fuck aren’t these guys more popular!? This is some quality death metal, totally thrashed up. These guys prove that the name cancer isn’t just about little bald kids on IV drips, wearing cowboy hats and kickin’ it with Jerry Lewis; Cancer also means quality fuckin’ metal. (Although, one of those kids might be cheaper to buy. I hear they don’t eat much.) 8

Nuclear Assault: Third world genocide

3.7 /10

Lord K: Another classic band decides to reform and release a complete shit-album. Never did I think Nuclear Assault, one of my old fave-bands, would be capable of creating something so incredibly fucken poor. Embarrassing. Complete and utter shite. 2

Syrrok: Some more geriatic metal. Someone’s continuing to live out that one night in 1987 that they got to open for Megadeth (Nuclear Assault, I’m lookin in your direction). Hang up the guitars. Fuck it, please break the guitars. 2

Farlus: “Whine and Cheese” does not belong on any metal record, period. I don’t care who you are, what you’ve done, I don’t want to hear shit like that. And even though “Long Haired Asshole” made me laugh, I don’t want to hear that on a metal record either. Otherwise, this band strikes me as being a bad Anthrax clone. Never listened to them before so all I’ve got to go on is what I’ve heard here, and what I’ve heard is mediocre. 4

Desert Eagle: Crotchduster is a perfect example of a band that can make fun of metal and still kick ass at the same time. Nuclear Assault is the exact opposite. They are joking right? 2

The Abyss: 80’s thrash with the ol’ NYHC shouty vocals. Not bad for an old corpse, but not exacly stunning. 5

Derek: Old school thrash doesn’t get me too excited; most of it’s just really fast, poorly played metal with exceptionally wretched vocals. Nuclear Assault are the only band for which I can ignore my conceptions of thrash and enjoy. Ever since “Hang the Pope”, these guys have been a classic favourite of mine. This album is pretty standard fare for the band; heavy, angry songs, and a slight dose of humour (see: “Long Haired Asshole”, the acoustic track). While I won’t be shaving my ballsack and tattooing the band’s name on it any time soon, I did enjoy this record and suggest that anyone claiming to be a fan of thrash should check this shit out. 7

Flotsam and Jetsam: Dreams of death

3.3 /10

Lord K: The Flot’s are back! I have so waited… These are the giants of thrash metal. Legendary Flot’s people. The Flot’s are the essence of thrash. Not. Fuck off. Let the corpse stay dead. Or atleast let the corpse higher the guitars in the mix so we can hear the shitty riffs a bit better at least. 2

Syrrok: Does anyone really keep up with this band? Do they have real fans outside of those who know the name from Newstead? The fucken meds are catchin up with these guys. Time to take up farming. Please drop your instruments. 1

Farlus: Flotsam and Jetsam is another “classic” old band that I’ve never taken the time to listen to. Not sure what their old stuff is like, but this album sounds like another attempt to relive glory days that just fails. I don’t get into this at all. Like other albums of late, there are some cool parts, but they don’t hook me long enough to have any effect. I am completely unmoved by this recording. 2

Desert Eagle: Another band that should have called it quits long, long ago. It’s decent power metal at best and awful power metal at worst, yeah. 4

The Abyss: Jason Newsted used to be in Flotsam & Jetsam. Now, with that out of the way, let’s concentrate on the music. You may or may not know this (I didn’t up until now) but F&J aren’t half as fossilised and boring as I’d have thought. It sure as hell won’t rock anyones world in 2005 but “Dreams of death” decent enough prog that, with greater ambition and a few new ideas, probably could elevate the band abit higher on the musical foodchain. 5

Derek: Wasn’t Jason Newstead in this band? This album has some other dude named Jason playing bass; and he’s actually quite good. I am not really into this band at all, but their particular style of thrash metal is pretty damn cool—especially when it comes to the bass lines. The vocals make me deathly afraid of falling asleep on my stomach with the frontman anywhere within a mile of me. (I kid, I kid! ...He’d probably spike my drink anyway, and then irrigate my colon.) This stuff’s decent, just not my thing. It sounds kinda like power death metal. That’s not something I ever wanted to think about. 6

Monarch: Monarch

3 /10

Lord K: The only good thing about Monarch is that Hate Eternal’s new album has the word in the title. 2

Syrrok: You’re kidding right? Where did these guys come up with the $50 to record this high-quality demo? If you’re reading this looking for something to help you decide whether or not to buy this album, let me say this: If you buy this album not only will you not like it, but it will also fill you with such rage that you will swear off music forever. I hope you have a lot of DVDs. 0

Farlus: At first this just seemed like some crazy noisecore or something, but as the album progressed, the band showed great diversity. They go off onto little dirges that remind me alot of Mastodon or Pelican, especially with the raw production of the release. With a name like Monarch, you had better fucking rule, or I’ll sue your ass for false advertising. This band does indeed rule. 7

Desert Eagle: Why is it that bands these days feel the need to punish their listeners? Seriously, what’s with noisecore and corecore and all these other bands doing dumb shit like minor seconds all the time and awful atonal sections? How can people enjoy it? They’re just trying to suck and you fools are eating it up. 2

The Abyss: I don’t know what genre this is but it’s not very good. 2

Derek: Would an Audio Autopsy be complete without some run-of-the-mill death metal? IT WOULDN’T, COCKSUCKER! (Write that one down.) I’m seriously out of things to say about generic death metal bands so these guys have lucked out. On the (HIV) positive side of things, Monarch write short songs—most of them around 2 minutes—so at least they don’t bore me to death for very long. The release of this album coinciding with that of Hate Eternal’s “I, Monarch” is something I will chalk up to coincidence rather than insinuating that they’re trying to confuse the average death metal fans (which isn’t very hard; a bar of soap and natural sunlight is enough to render them helpless.) GRRR! DEATH … AND STUFF! 5

Static X: Start a war

3 /10

Lord K: Suprisingly catchy at times. Suprisingly gay at times. Suprisingly boring at times. But I love the electronics. 4

Syrrok: They thought bringing the asian back in leau of the child-molester would reap benefits. It’s better than their last album, but that’s just like saying a blowjob is better than a shovel to the face. Everything relies on Wayne’s voice, but unfortunately it can only carry so many boring ass riffs. Programmings are dick as well. 4

Farlus: This band just keeps going down. I think at the center of the downfall is Wayne Static. He sings like a fuckin douchebag now. This band has really lost its balls. There are a few sparse moments where they sort of sound like their old selves, but it’s obvious that it’s really over for this band. They’ll never be able to recreate the furor of their first effort. They need to just hang it up. The record is better than that pile of junk “Shadow Zone”, but still below average. 4

Desert Eagle: Bitch, please. 2

The Abyss: Oh for fucks sake… -1 (yes that’s a negative 1)

Derek: While ex-guitarist Tripp Eisen was busy diddling little girls via the Interweb, Static-X was busy committing an equally heinous afront to humanity; recording another album. Although I did purchase, and enjoy “Shadow Zone”, there was nothing remotely new or fresh about it. Since day one, these guys have been riding White Zombie’s balls. Until now, that methodology has worked for them—their first three records were excellent. Now, I don’t know what the fuck to think. Sure, the songs are fairly groovy and catchy, but when I sit back and think about it, I already own these songs—several times over—on the other Static-X albums. This shit really feels like the band is going through the motions; “oh, better write some more Static-X songs” instead of trying something different. If you don’t know about this band, just buy this album and save yourself $60 and ignore their previous albums, you’ll already have ‘em. Otsego-derrivative. 5

Stratovarius: Stratovarius

2.8 /10

Lord K: Last year’s madness of Timo Tolkki is way better than the band. 2

Syrrok: Winger is back! Who knew Kip still had the rock inside! What a wonderful surprise. So lovely I think I’ll go outside, pick some flowers, and then run into the street and bang my head on the center median. Do I hear operatic singing? Oh Kip, you did it again. 1

Farlus: Gay. 1

Desert Eagle: After massive mental breakdowns, outrageous lawsuits, new chick singer that took stupid pictures, and god knows what else, Stratovarius have finally settled their shit and released an album. The end result? Typical Stratovarius. So, pretty good then. 7

The Abyss: Though not as insanely happy-happy-joy-joy power metal as before; Stratovarious still sounds like shit. Kotipelto still can’t sing for shit so he feels it’s necessary to scream out ever line as loud as he can instead, Tolkki still likes to masturbate all over his guitar and the keyboardist keeps insisting on following Tolkki’s example. Granted, there is a slightly darker and more serious undertone to the musc then before, but depsite that Stratovarius remains the most overhyped power metal band of today. 2

Derek: Didn’t someone in this band get abducted by aliens and sent to a nut house? Last I checked, Blabbermouth was posting about two stories a week detailing how much everyone in this band hates each other… Whatever the case may be, they managed to put out a fairly decent record. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still flamming power metal, but at least these guys can play well. I would expect nothing less than effeminate power metal from a band that pees on each other on stage. Some of the lyrics and pseudo-operatic vocals are a bit much to take, but the music’s pretty good. I would never actually spend money on this music, but I can appreciate that these guys are talented. That doesn’t spare them from my wrath, however. KABLA KABLA… 4